A Request

Isabella and I were on our way to drop her off at Ballet on tuesday. From the back of the van I hear, "Mommy, am I going to get to perform just like Juliana (her cousin) on stage and everything?" Me, "Yes babe." Silence for a moment and then I hear, "O.K. But no flash photography during the performance mom. That would mess me up."

What six year old speaks with words like "flash photography"?

Not exactly what I had planned...

I'm a planner. I like things to have a certain order to them. I like things to run smoothly and according to said plans. I had a plan two years ago. I would go back to school, get my pre-reqs out of the way in a year and a half and then start the nursing program on schedule in January of 2011. My family and I committed and followed through. However, I found out this week that I was competing for one of thirty available slots in the nursing program I applied to against 176 other people. The short story (so as not to bore you all with the details) is that I was not chosen as one of those thirty. I did very well and scored high but there were 40 others who scored higher than I.

The grief that ensued was overwhelming. A lot of questions flooded me over the 7 hours that followed the news. Why would you (God) give me a passion and a plan and visibly have your hand in it if only to see it not completed? Why did I feel you telling me to hope for this future only to see it seem to crumble around me? Why does it hurt so badly when it is just one rejection? Where are you right now? What are you wanting from me?

None of those questions were wrong. But thankfully, none of them lasted for long either. God is so good. My God is the giver of every good and perfect gift. My God has began a good work in me and will be faithful to complete it. Sure, there were reminders for me in it all. Like, this life is not about me and my plans. And, although it sometimes sucks to only be able to see the step that I am on and not the whole picture, I rest in knowing that God has a plan. His ways are perfect and eventually I will look back and see just how he was delivering me.

I have already taken the next steps that I need to take to move forward. God is not through with me yet. It hurts, but in a good way. He is refining me. I don't rejoice in the fact that this program did not choose me, but I do rejoice in the fact that my joy does not reside in my circumstances. My joy is in the One who still saves today. My Savior is alive and he has conquered the very enemy who seeks to destroy me.

Comfort comes in many different forms when we are met with opposition to what it is that we desire. A song that seems to tell our story without ever having experienced it. A dad that comes and sits with you while you cry crockadile tears and your nose runs all over his nice work shirt. A mom who supports in her own "special way" that gives you no choice but to smile. A husband who is a companion through and through but also knows when to love from a distance. A sister, who despite thousands of miles away, is able to embrace you emotionally and assist you in talking through the disappointment. Friends who help hold up your weary arms and who don't necessarily need to say anything at all. Their prayers are exactly what you need. And then there is a word from the Lord.

"On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers."
2 Cor 1:10-11

"I know that the hand of my Lord is powerful."
Joshua 4:24

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?"
Ps 56:3-4

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken."
Ps 62:1-2

When I remember this time in my life and the ups and downs that it brought, when I remember the difficulty and the cost of following what I knew to be my calling, when I look back and survey what it took to accomplish this........I will look back and rejoice that even now my God is with me. He is with me now and will be with me forever. I will praise you because all you are is good.